You should go out and surprise your girl with flowers or a card or something cloyingly sweet that your dude friends would mock you relentlessly for, right the fuck now.
Thank me later after you two fuck like rabbits for a few hours.
I am an absolute asshole. I treat women like shit, sometimes without really meaning to. I paint myself as the victim in all situations, and I end up convincing myself that I was in the right. I'll also convince my friends that I was in the right, so expect to be ostracized if you're in my group of friends and you piss me off.
Ask an Asshole
April 5, 2011
To The Dudes:
April 5, 2011
To The Ladies:
Please stop listening to Cosmo for advice about sex. They’re oddly ball-focused, and when you’re fucking us you should not be.
April 5, 2011
To The Ladies:
Your Boyfriend isn’t really trying to fuck every single girl he’s friends with on Facebook. Not all of us are total creepshows. Relax with the irrational hatred and anger when your boy has a new wall post from some floozy.
April 5, 2011
To The Dudes:
When you’re trying to fuck a girl off of Facebook, try a little more subtlety than “Hey, you’re hot, we should hang out,” or “Like”-ing 90 of her pictures. That makes you a creepshow, and no one wants to fuck a creep show.
March 15, 2011
To The Ladies:
Please, Ladies, watch a porn or two before you’re going to suck a dick.
Sincerely,
Every Guy Ever
P.S. It’s also totally hot to say “How do you like your dick sucked?”
P.P.S. If you say that, please fucking pay attention.
March 15, 2011
To the Dudes:
PLEASE WASH YOUR BALLS.
SINCERELY,
Any Girl Who Has Ever Or Who Will Ever Suck Your Cock
March 15, 2011
To the Dudes:
Yes, sometimes your lady is fantasizing about some other dude while you’re fucking her. Don’t get bent out of shape about it. It’s getting her off and it is your dick inside of her, so really, who’s winning?
March 15, 2011
To the Ladies:
Your boyfriend masturbates, and he’s not thinking of you when he does it.
Deal with it.
March 14, 2011
Anonymous asked: why are you such an asshole?
Because it’s way more fun to be an asshole than not.
March 14, 2011
turtleahoy-deactivated20110930- asked: Except on fragile girls, correct ?
Sin all over them if you so wish.
Do so with the knowledge that your Lord God commandeth it.
March 14, 2011
turtleahoy-deactivated20110930- asked: You're right, that was a complete mess of a sentence.
My apologies.
It’s OK, I forgive you.
Go forth and sin no more, my son.
March 14, 2011
turtleahoy-deactivated20110930- asked: Ah I see you have a large vocabulary, who are you trying to impress ?
Believe me, being an asshole is only as attractive as the person.
I do have a large vocabulary.
That second sentence is such a grammatical-clusterfuck that I can’t even form a proper response.
March 14, 2011
amandabeth225 asked: To answer whoever asked about why someone would want to follow an asshole:
Girls like assholes because when its over they get to be the victim. They were "horribly mistreated" and they were "so strong" for putting up with all the abuse. It's better that way. When your ass gets dumped by a nice guy everyone's like "well... dude's pretty cool. You probably deserved it." At least you know what you're getting with assholes.
I totally respect that you are an outward asshole. I'd take you over an over sensitive artsy type any time.
But, on the inside I really am a sensitive artsy type, yearning for human connection.
No, but seriously, tits or GTFO.
I’m kidding.
Not really.
March 14, 2011
To The Dudes:
Yes, it is your responsibility to bring condoms.
Yes, even if you’re going over to her house.
Yes, even if she tells you she’s got it covered.
Yes, it’s your fault if she’s allergic to latex.
March 14, 2011
turtleahoy-deactivated20110930- asked: I just wanted to thank you, for boosting my followers.
It gives me more 18 year olds to "scam" on.
Awww, you think I boosted your followers.
You’re so delusional, it’s almost endearing.
RSS feed: http://unmitigatedasshole.tumblr.com/rss
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